I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
