I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
