She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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