don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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