I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
