I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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