$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
