By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
