That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
