i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
