He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
