Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
