6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
