I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
