Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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