You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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