Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
