I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
