Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
