god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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