i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
