Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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