Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
