You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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