im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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