she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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