fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She made me pour olive oil on her.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
