last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
