Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Randomize
