Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
