I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
