He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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