you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
