My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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