I am in a vortex of obligation.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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