Kiss
Puke
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
