all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
