at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
