I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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