I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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