This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Randomize
