His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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