Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
