I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I love you. Go after that dick
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
