They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
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