There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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