I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Girls should come with a carfax report
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
