Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
