If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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