Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
