You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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